This was originally written in response to an e-mail I received from a young man a long time ago. Since then, this article has received dozens of personal email responses and I feel compelled to leave it online. I would like to add and edit even further soon, but for now, it stands as it did then. Here’s the story… With articulation and genuine concern about me, my sexuality, and God, he was also fighting his own interests in kink and balancing faith. We had an ongoing exchange for some time. He’s genuinely a decent guy, but our conversations ultimately led me to put down on paper what I’ve been trying to explain to many people for years. I found this thought provoking and maybe of interest to someone out there who’s going through a similar situation…
Thanks for your e-mail. I read it entirely and slowly to be sure I was listening and being objective. I realize you took some considerable time writing it and I have to admit it, your e-mail is one of the few that will stick with me forever. I have never written an e-mail this long before in my life. I really hope you read this thoroughly and slowly, digesting what I’m offering.
I just want to share some personal perspectives from my side with you so you have a better understanding of my situation, how I lead my life, how I got here, and how I put God into all this. I’ll try to be as detailed and eloquent, but please bear with me. I haven’t drafted an outline for this e-mail, so it’s kind of “free flowing.” In addition, I may use some dialogue in order to be specific and “paint a picture”. Please don’t interpret my wording as crude.
I knew since the second grade that I was gay. There was no doubt about it. That early revelation, although tormenting on many levels, helped shaped my comfort level with my sexuality today. In the second grade, there was another student who wore a really cool leather jacket to school. In those days, we had a coat room where all the kids hung their jackets during the day. I snuck into the coat room, put on his leather jacket, zipped it up, and enjoyed the sensation until the teacher caught me. To this day, I’m amazed at this early pre-disposition to leather. All this was discovered years before puberty and any understanding of sex, erections, or climaxing.
Youth continues. I grew up some more and when I turned 14, my father dropped dead of a heart attack right in front of me. We moved to California and the family struggled to move on. It was around this time that I quickly realized I had to make my own way in the world. But then, any teenager nearing the end of high school realizes this, so it’s not a unique experience.
At this point, the freedom of living on my own allowed my to explore my sexuality more. Of course, in the earlier days, I was conflicted. I knew what interests I had. It seemed noone else shared these same interests, and what I did see of the “leather scene” seemed to indicate it was rich with the stereotypical “daddy” types who, at that time, scared the hell out of me.
Having grown up in a deep Catholic faith, I was in turmoil, but I knew something else had to be in play here. I knew I had to take a journey into this lifestyle to make the right decisions about my life. Accept it, don’t accept it. Accept it, don’t accept it. I started to ask others about their lifestyles, their revelations and how they balanced it spiritually. It disturbs me that many in the gay community are Pagans or other, and have chosen to abandon God. Many individuals seem to simply make the decision that “religions are organized and they’re all against us.”
I have a different philosophy on all this. Please understand before I continue that we’re communicating via e-mail, so don’t interpret my brevity as being flipid about these points. I have spent a LIFETIME finding harmony and exploring all aspects of my lifestyle, so it’s not like this is the first time I’ve approached this subject.
I don’t subscribe to the belief that homosexuality is wrong or evil. That’s a very big admission when I think of where I started. There are many who will quote the bible verse after verse telling me how my path to hell is certain. I find these comments to be trite and unthoughtful. These comments are merely blanket statements with no understanding of the human condition or personal experiences. There are only two people in the universe that really know me ‚Äî and that’s me and God. (I think God knows me even better than I know myself). These people grab the Good Book for answers to all of life’s problems. These people cast judgments when judgments should be left to God. They try to “save” me when I believe my relationship with God is just that ‚Äî my relationship with God, not my relationship with God and you. (By the way, I’m referring to “bible thumpers” when I say “you”)
I can’t win in a battle of words with these people because there are no words they will listen to.
I can’t look them in the eye because their eyes are in the bible.
They want me to come into their house of God, but they will never step foot in mine.
When I step outside the realm of personal growth and spirituality to examine homosexuality, you don’t have to go far to find some remarkable evidence that homosexuality is not the work of Satan. Of course, as I present this evidence, there will be those that say “maybe this evidence is the work of Satan.” Again, I can’t win in a battle of words. I know when to cut my losses. That said though, how do you explain homosexuality in the animal kingdom? There is numerous evidence that there are homosexual animals with roughly the same percentage ratio as to the human race. There’s also increasing research that suggests homosexuals have a different hormone levels and gland structure than heterosexuals. I’m not a scientist, so I can’t recite word for word on this subject, but the research is out there if anyone wants to find it.
I could go on, but what’s the point if no one is receptive? Others suggest that I’m not receptive or I would have accepted God. My answer is I have accepted God and I’m gay. I’m not going to resist or resent being gay. This is how God made me and I’m comfortable with that ‚Äî now. My journey has been long and hard to reach this point. I’m not going to waste this beautiful gift of life living in turmoil or fear from God. Instead, I will live my life as decently as possible, giving to others as much as I can, and putting my faith in God into everything I can.
So here I am. Having took the journey. Having suffered by the biblical interpretations of our culture when I believe God wanted me to be happy. Here I am accepting my gay lifestyle as personally and privately as I can when others are blind to the reality of the world. How can these people not even consider the possibility that the bible was written thousands of years ago and interpreted in language after language by man, not God, albeit influenced by the Spirit of God. Nonetheless ‚Äî it’s man. Keep in mind that all languages cannot simply be interpreted word-for-word. How could these people not accept the possibility that private agendas could have been woven into the bible? How can people not accept the possibility that there could be more “words of God” hidden on parchment in some Turkish cave? How could people not accept the possibility that there’s more to understanding homosexuality hidden in the archives of the Vatican where thousands and thousand of religious documentation sits behind gates protected by the Vatican Guard under lock and key, never to be seen by mankind? Reincarnation (although I don’t believe in it) was part of the bible at one time until Emperor Justinian had it stricken from the Book. This only furthers my point that the bible and RELIGION was in fact influenced by man. In the bible, how do we explain the sudden gap in years from following Christ as a young child to an adult?
There are simply too many questions.
How do you explain the high rate of homosexual incidents in the church recently? Because in their youth, some priests struggled with homosexuality and thought the church would save them. Instead, the priests merely suppressed their tendencies and ultimately acted on them, shattering the lives of families, young kids, and people’s faith in the church. I can see how this happened clearly. I spent considerable time in my youth considering entering the faith in order to save myself from homosexuality. What a warped action that would have been. Good intentions, poor execution.
In the end, a person has to make a decision. They have to decide what side of the fence they’re going to sit on.
I want you to read the next paragraph slowly so it really hits home and you can process what I’m trying to communicate. Picture this image..
A man stands up in front of you and holds a notebook outstretched between the both of you and asks “What color is it?” You respond, “red, of course!” His reply is “No, it’s not. It’s brown”. You know you’re right because it is red, so how can he make this claim? Because as he holds the book outstretched, you see the front side with a red front cover and from his perspective behind, he sees the brown back cover. You are both right, each of you forming your decision on your persepctive.
I believe in God and I am a Catholic. I will not abandon my faith because it doesn’t meet my personal “needs”. I will remain Catholic because that’s how I was raised. I will remain Catholic as my personal effort to stay connected with God. My faith is not about filling my needs. My faith is about filling His needs.
Before I put you to sleep with my perspective, let’s make an ugly transition in this dialogue and talk about the KidRacer-X website. It started off innocently enough in the early days of the internet as a simple personal profile page on some Geocities account. The goal? To meet others with intelligence, wit, security in themselves, and hopefully find the one boyfriend for life who shares the same fetish interests. Monogamy is not a dirty word. Why not seek the one guy who’s a perfect match, where two lives blend as one forever? As a graphic artist, this was a fun exercise to create something cool and visually exciting. I wanted to make something that people would rave about. Why? Because it’s my talent and it allows me to create in ways I simply can’t do in my professional life. It allows me to learn new design techniques that later help me with other clients.
Over time, the site grew and grew into something bigger. It’s become a wonderful hobby and a great way to reach out to others. A friend recently talked to me about KidRacer-X and my place in the gay community. “It’s great you have the site,” he said, “but what are you giving to the community? Where’s your responsibility?” I never thought of it in those terms. He went on to ask me “What do you have to offer? What’s your gift?”
Well, recently, and I mean really recently, I’ve started to shape KidRacer-X into a place where I hope new young gay men can find a bit of comfort in their fetish interests. A place where they know they’re not alone. A place where I can hopefully help them make decisions about their lives quicker so they don’t spend years in turmoil. In addition, I’m a sportbiker. It’s my passion and what I’m known for.
I recently spent weeks compiling a 30 page book and on-line video to help get new guys into the sport of sportbiking. I would hope that someone out there is influenced by all this and I have helped someone find internal resolution and peace. I hope that some young gay guy just discovered my “Be a Sportbiker” link and is on his way to becoming the next World Superbike Champion.
I hope all this matters. I hope it makes a difference.
I think you’re e-mail indirectly hits home the biggest problem with a presence on the internet. KidRacer-X has a specific focus for specific reasons. But the biggest thing I want you to walk away with in your mind is that KidRacer-X does not define me. It is merely an aspect of my life. A small and personal aspect of my life. Many people can easily make the assumption that this is what I’m all about. Far from it.
Don’t let a website be the soul entity for assessing an individual’s character. In the end, it’s just a website.
This same friend I mentioned earlier recently bought a card for someone and he showed it to me. The card was simple, but the statement was powerful and I will never forget it. It read…
“Life is not about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself.”
I have chosen not to live in confusion or fear. I am not going to wander aimlessly trying to “find” myself. I am creating myself. I am who I am and I will bring to the world what I can bring to the world. I am embracing it, with faith and temperance.
I hope it matters to someone. I hope people “get it”.
I hope my time and words to you are not lost and you have a better understanding of how I choose to fit into the world and how I got here. I have not interpreted your e-mail to me in any way beyond the manner in wh ich you expressed yourself. I sincererly appreciated your concern and thoughts. Your words are not lost on me. But I hope you will take the time to give my message great consideration and understand that you may see the notebook as one color, I see it as another.