It’s personal. Very, very personal.
Okay. Um. I really don’t know where to start, but I know many of you wanted to know what was happening with me, so here’s the latest news. Before I ramble on, I really want to emphasize something. I post these occasional blogs just to say “hey” and let you know what’s happening. But, in light of my recent absence and lack of communication, I am compelled to fill you in. I know you’ve all been chatting in the shoutbox on my homepage and sending emails of concern.
I haven’t answered a lot of the emails because I just didn’t want to hash out my own personal disposition like it was some Fox News headline. I kept it personal because that’s what it is and posting and sharing it only seems to diminish the importance.
I don’t want sympathy. For all the support over the years that many of you have done through emails of support and appreciation for the work, the birthday cards, the surprise packages — none of that is lost on me. The impact remains. However, that said, the reason I’m reluctant to step up and share is because there’s nothing anyone can do here to ease my angst. Emails of support won’t do much. Ever hit your head on the cupboard and someone then asks “are you alright?” Don’t you feel this overwhelming urge to reach out and knock that person into next week!? Well, that’s how I sometimes feel and this is the only time I’ve been able to summon the will to write.
Essentially, I feel like I’m going through something personal unlike anything I’ve ever gone through before. Sure, I’ve bitched and moaned about this and that, but in the end, it’s always minor “life stuff.” But this? This is different.
I feel like I’m going through a real crisis. A crisis of personal beliefs, identity, direction, and significance. It’s strange how it crept on me. I didn’t even see it coming. I was all set for this new job offer. Most of you who are concerned about me are already aware because you follow my blogs and shoutbox posts. I was told this job was mine and nobody else’s. I was told that the only remaining obstacle was them drafting a contract proposal and I should prepare to move. I’ve made three trips to San Luis Obispo and spent over $700 on these excursions looking for apartments and house rentals. I’ve even boxed half my possessions because this job offer was a virtual guarantee. Well, it’s almost 2 months now, and there’s no proposal in hand. I know they want me, but they obviously aren’t motivated. I’m discouraged because I’ve known the people offering this job for many years. I would consider them close friends and held high regards for them. So, that adds more salt to the wound.
My apartment lease here in Southern California is coming to an end, so I either move within 60 days or sign a new 6-month lease, trapping me here. Yes, it all feels like a trap.
So, with KidRacer-X losing my ability to accept credit card memberships in February, I’ve lost a shitload of critical income. I know, there’s probably a solution out there, but I’ve been more than willing to take a forced absence from the cosmic universe. It’s given me a little time to breathe, look at my life, and make some choices; or better said, see what choices I’ve made that got me here. There’s also a penalty for taking a break from KidRacer-X. It’s called taxes. Without the income I’ve become dependent on, I’m facing a huge tax issue in the next couple months.
To lead to another point, I work in the motorcycle industry and we are an industry being dramatically impacted by the current economy. I’m working longer hours, but not being compensated for it. An expected bonus that should have been paid to me, wasn’t. A raise that was due over two years ago, still hasn’t happened. I now hate my job. If any of you listened to my hour long economic prediction on my April podcast, you know what I foresee coming this fall. So with all this weighing on my mind and facing financial difficulties, I’ve had to step up my efforts in my freelance design work. In addition to my day job and KidRacer-X, I also run an ad agency on the side. In order to keep from completely losing everything, I’ve had to step up my services and client services. I’ve been very focused on building my clients for web site development, photoshoots, catalogs, marketing materials and more. It’s been rough, but necessary. It pays more than the few subscriptions I ever really get on KidRacer-X.
Add into all of that, I’ve suddenly felt different about meeting guys. I’ve been invited to parties, the bars, gay events, and more. But in the end, none of this appeals to me. I’m not in the mental mindset for casual encounters or random fucks. I am, right now anyway, in every sense, not interested. I am, though, very tuned in and operating in the mode of seeking a boyfriend and long term relationship.
Sure, perhaps it could be said that I’m just stressed and seeking someone to run to. I’m sure there’s some truth in that. I’m not stupid. But, I just feel my life should have more meaning than a list of fuck parties and guys I’ve played with.
I am frustrated right now. I’m frustrated on so many deep and personal levels that only me and my pillow really know the truth. I’m not sexually interested. I’m not into my gear. I’m not into my fetish. I’m not into jacking off. I’m not into my photo-shoots. I’m not into Live Cam sessions. I’m simply lost. I try to be social, but it all feels “trite” and superficial. I try to change my tack and break the ice with guys, but the results are useless. I’ve tried meeting guys as “Cody” and NOT kinky “KidRacer-X” to see if it’s my fetish that scares guys off. It’s not. I’m even contemplating giving up my fetish completely because as much as it’s a deep and sensual part of who I am, it’s also a hinderance more than a help. What guy wants to date or play with a kinky leather guy? None I know. Maybe I should surrender and just be like every other fag? So I ask myself, is it me? Am I too old? Uninteresting? Am I using the wrong words? Am I coming on too strong? Too soft? Was it really that hard to meet for a FUCKING CUP OF COFFEE? Jesus-fucking-christ! Why are you wasting my time if you can’t even share a cup of coffee? Lord knows I’m probably the most decent, no-drama, and caring guy, so what am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? What should I be saying? Did someone change the rules of the game and not tell me? You have to understand - any person who experiences enough of this bullshit is bound to change directions into a completely different life.
I’ve been asked to go to Dorey Alley next weekend because my friends care and want me to hang out there, but let’s face it. It’s just another place to meet hot guys in gear. It’s no doubt the PERFECT opportunity to meet like-minded gear guys, but let’s be real — when the weekend is over, they’ll fly back to Montreal, Chicago, Amsterdam, and London. Then what? I come back home to the same problems and another $400 gone. My apartment is still empty. There’s no one to share a story with. No one to sleep with. No one to support and be supported from. I won’t have a new job and any promise of a new one will go on hold until I’m free to move again in 6 months. I’m busted; both financially and emotionally. I feel I have no value. And, not to insult anyone reading this, you have to understand, it’s a personal thing. I’m the one feeling of no value, not you. I appreciate the impact I’ve had on many of you and the inspiration I’ve given to so many, and all the motorcycles I’ve helped you guys get over the years, but in the end, I am the one fighting my personal demons and I have to fight them alone. I know that. And I think what makes it scary is that I honestly don’t know what is really troubling me. If I had it all on a list in front of me, I could work on each problem, but I just don’t know. But then, maybe I do know. Maybe it’s everything I’m talking about in this blog.
So, all this shit appears to have caught up with me. About ten days ago, I started feeling sick. But it was unusual and forgive me if I don’t go into details, but I was concerned that maybe (I emphasize ‘maybe’) was experiencing something potentially fatal. I’m in good health, so it was hard to believe it could be happening, but you always hear the stories about the guy who never got his condition checked out. I don’t want to be “one of those guys.” I thought that despite my woes, I would be responsible and get checked out. I’m still waiting for final test results next week, but as it stands right now, I’m in good health. The heart is good, blood pressure is good, xrays are good, and all preliminary tests are good. As much as I hate to admit it, it could be a stress reaction. Since I’ve never experienced anything like it before, how was I to know? Truth is, I still don’t know for sure, but at this point, my health seems good. It’s simply the rest of me that’s a wreck.
So, in a nutshell, I’m down on myself right now. I am so down, I pray to God I don’t go any lower because I don’t know where that would leave me. My life isn’t moving forward personally, professionally, and socially. I can’t stomach the idea of getting my gear on and jacking off or doing a photo-shoot. This is going to take a little time to work through. The only thing I know is that in life, the only thing that’s constant is change. So, all I can do is work on myself and hope the universe changes and shifts some luck in my direction, some great opportunity, and a nice young man who wants more than the “club scene.” Yeah, I know, who doesn’t want a boyfriend? But my heart and mind are just “in that zone” right now. I need someone to balance my life and vice-versa.
All I ask is you bear with me. There’s no magic pill for this. It’s not the 24-hour flu. It needs time. I really need to find my soul again. I don’t know where it is or if I’ll ever get it back. I promise you this, though. I’m not a quitter and I refuse to give up KidRacer-X, so don’t worry about that. But – now, more than any other time in my life, I am totally and completely lost. I simply don’t know where to turn or what my next step needs to be. I literally have NO control. I am simply moving with the ebb and flow of the universe.
Thank you all, be good to each other, and I’ll try to work my way back.
viewed 11398 times by 3626 guys in leather
December 25th, 2009 at 1:19 am
thanks for the photo of the boy suffocated with plasticbag Good Born them to all you! it sends some to me @mail: olvirimassimiliano@yahoo.it with you boys suffocated in the integral helmet with plasticbag and while fairies pissing in the coveralls
“Rubberkart”
December 6th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I realize this was posted several months ago and from the many phone calls since I moved away things seem to be getting better. But WOW, I had no idea things were this bad dude. I never thought JD could cry so damn much! I fucking miss you like you’ll never believe and hope we can give “us” another shot in the somewhat near future. That is, if you aren’t taken by then! Keep your head up dude, you’re one of the strongest men I have ever had the pleasure of getting to know.
Love always,
JD
November 7th, 2009 at 4:12 am
comment1
November 6th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
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November 5th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
fetish cam sites growing at the rate of 100,s a day is this due to the fiance situation
October 19th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Hey Cody,
I know how you feel and how terrible it can be. My relationship with my partner of 12 years has changed and I think we will break up.
Your symptoms sound like anxiety or depression, go see a good pyscho-pharmacologist.
Hugs,
Kentie
PS I would hang out with you if I were closer. Not that that is any consolation.
September 20th, 2009 at 8:41 am
Well, glad your back in the groove now.
All the more reason to take these ” annual family trips ”
You know ”’wink,wink ”’
Start saving your $$$
I get to feed the horses next year
August 13th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
He keep going buddy. It just seems to part of every day live. Deep valleys you have to go threw. Its how you view it , makes it easier. But there are limits how perception can help you in these periods. Just keep going…
How do I know ? Had some very high and low points in the last 3 years. Coming out, dealing with my past, moved out with my parents, discovered some spiritual sides of live.
If I can you do you should be able to pull threw…
Hang in and keep going…
August 12th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Congratulations, Cody. You are merely becoming aware that most of the things we mutually enjoy are icing on a cake, a cake that ultimately is as unnourishing as any confection normally would be. Fetish is an art, an entertainment. Reality ultimately prevails, and we grow up. You’re only in a storm of the moment, though. The clouds will part, and your many friends will still be there, or there will be new ones. You have drive, Cody. There is a fire in you. Do not quench it with your tears. This is change. Change is painful. But if you accept growth, you will be stronger. Grow dude, grow.
August 7th, 2009 at 5:30 am
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
August 6th, 2009 at 12:58 am
I am working late tonight at EZ UP. I have to grind out 6 jobs that need to be on the UPS truck tomorrow. You know your part in that. I swore off KRX, but like an alcoholic, I was bored and I logged on, However, my eyes were closed.
Cody, I am upset with your latest blog. You know who I am. I am not offering you an apology, but maybe we can chat.
We do have a few loose ends. U no my fone #.
July 25th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Hey Cody A.K.A. Kid Racer-x first and formost keep that head of yours way up high facing the sky.. you will find a new home.. money wise you will get better..everything does get better.. just focus on you and getting your stuff together.. love will come… shi^ I been waiting for that since 2005 I have had guys come and gone and I am still very empty inside I feel you and what you feel really.. sometimes I just start to cry cuz I am alone and see my friends with someone they can hang out kiss cuddle love… i am not jealous but very happy they have someone in there life…. just an incident that occured Oct. 2008 I feel for this guy totally to find out my his ex in a bar no less he laid about his HIV status.. he was Poz.. I see it like this if you are honest I probably can handle the Poz thing.. but if you lie you have nothing from me.. honestly is the best policy.. I still miss him he was so adorable shorty awww.. a tear flying out of my eye right now..
but i am human I don’t fake my feelings.. fu%k that.. yeah I might me dramatic but oh well I have been thru my shi* abusive relationships cheating and shi.. when is my bad luck going away.. did I break a mirror I have 7 years of bad luck.. but then I ask myself we were born alone and will die alone.. love will come when its due to come.. we can’t force it.. crI have been keeping track of you Mr. Cody via this website for serveral years and in one occasion we have spoken via email in which I sent you a pic or two… You are very very very very good looking.. haha do I have you blushing haha! Just don’t force anything…. and don’t ever give up! 
I pray for your well being.. yes I believe in God there is someone higher then us.. to hold all of this earth together.. hopefully one day you make it to New Jersey or atleast New York since I am close to the city from Jersey.. Don’t give up on what you love just minizime spending in any gear…..hey need a someone to chat with I am here.. but I am sure you have tons of guys after your butt haha! Name is Nelson by the way Cuban American 28 years old.. ok.. enough of my typing haha! take care much love xoxo
July 21st, 2009 at 7:39 pm
Don’t get worked up over your disinterest in your fetishes and whatnot. Your brain has taken over because you have much more important things to deal with right now. You’re facing some serious issues concerning some very basic needs, namely providing for yourself. The same goes for your strong desire for companionship regardless of the fetish aspect.
In a situation like this, you really need your social network there to support you emotionally, and if its not as strong as you thought it was, you REALLY feel it. My advice is to let go of all the extraneous things for the time being, like this website, your fetishes, the whole ’scene’ and focus on whats critical right now. Ensuring you can adequtely provide for yourself, and strengthening your friendships. You may have a desire to find someone to share your bed with, but what you need are real friends who will listen and keep your spirits up as you deal with your current situation.
July 21st, 2009 at 1:17 pm
just wanted to send you a *hug* and hope that things will turn around for you and go on the up! I like your personal blog posting and if you ever need to, you can talk to me anytime, I am a good listeniner! hope you start finding yourself from where you are now
*big hugs*
Dan (http://afutureofglitter.blogspot.com)
July 20th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Hang in there- done the employment/unemployment, and done dirty by friends I was in business with and everytime it worked our for the best- it may not have been pretty at the time but it worked out. And I always keep in mind- the people offering jobs are not loosing sleep thinking about you, don’t loose sleep thinking about them- it keeps the universe balanced.
hang in there kid–
July 20th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
hey i understand how you feel. i feel so alone sometimes and that nobody cares but it will pass. if you ever want to visit let me know and will send you an airline ticket.