a night out

a man sings opera, trying to enchant an anonymous waste.
his notes are smooth.
putrid against the droning beat of techno inside.

why am i here?
i hope.

i turn. the tweaker chomps. his reptile eyes dart in directions, but focus on no target.
disinterested ghouls gab gossip, flailing feminine hands. their little club. their dainty digits.
verbs and adjectives all, no nouns, no cohesion, no purpose.
no one will recite the minutes in the morning.

i came to connect.
i hope.

the old man passes on the patio. the flavor of my cigarette is crushed.
his odor maligns the dry california air. leather and lube.
no pride. no dignity left.

this is my community?
i hope.

my acquaintances I see. petty banter. coy conversation. slight of word.
can't find truth here. can't find it. just can't find it.
i'm an option until all options are considered.
they leave. i stay.

i am not an option. truth revealed.
i hope.

i have failed in my journey. i missed a step.
i am defective. i am alone. this abyss.
sharks circle, bait is anesthetized with liquids and borrowed pills.
the water is cold and dark.

unforgiving.
i hope.

i can't get clean. is there nothing clean? is there no one clean?
character. honesty. beingness.
they know not their beauty they hide.
it comes out to play when they're alone, staring at the ceiling with nothing but fear for company.
why do they run? this is their beauty, not their ghost.

i want the beauty that is.
i hope.

"i find it kinda funny. i find it kinda sad,
the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had"
i can't succumb to the mad world. instead of taking rancid rations, i take nothing. i feel nothing.
motorcycle. i feel nothing. my interests. i feel nothing. my passions. i feel nothing.

i am awkward.
i hope.

a night out.
i used to hope.

they have won.
no hope.

my world has shifted. i am stripped to the bone.
purpose. soul. spirit. gone.
washed away in waves of waste.
i am not what i was. i am lost. truth.

now, i cling with pathetic desperation

to the simple hope

that I can keep hoping