Late
summer, I received a phone call at work from
a friend who works at the county coroner's office.
It was one of those calls you dread and yet can never
prepare for. The kind that blind side you in the middle
of the day with no warning. So the question was posed "Um,
I hate to ask this, but do you know this person?"
 "I think so...",
I said.
"Well he lives with
his parents in the city of XXX. His name is XXX..."
"Holy shit!",
I said. "Keep going... What's his last name?"
The end result is a 24
year old who gambled and lost. He suited up in full
leather, put a rope around his neck for some auto-erotic
asphyxiation, and made a mistake. His last mistake.
His mother found him hanging there the next morning.
I cannot even begin to imagine the scope and tragedy
of the situation and I won't comment on it here on
the website.
I don't profess to be
a role model. I don't profess to be a guru on the
gay kink culture. But it seems to me that the older
I get, the more I see commonality between a lot of
gay men. I think there's a certain level of discovery
and growth that every gay man goes through, whether
you're into kink or not.
It's with this idea in
mind that I felt compelled to begin writing "Kink
101"; a book for the new gay man, a perspective
on the complete process of discovery, acceptance,
creating yourself, being safe, becoming a man, and
defining your role in the world.
Below is the foreword
for the upcoming book "Kink 101". I wrote
this on my birthday while on a business trip. It seemed
like a good gift for myself and for those seeking
a voice and a perspective.
This is a serious, in
depth book which I estimate will take some time to
complete. I will keep you posted on the progess... |
The original idea
behind Kink 101 was never understood by my friends
or peers. In fact, I was told “don't do it.” I
was told it wasn't my job to tell people how to
play, where to buy gear, and what knots work good
in what position. These utterances only made it
clearer to me that my friends were oblivious to
the bigger issue I was trying to present.
My friends were drunk with opportunity.
Opportunity to pick and choose men that a major metropolis
provides. Opportunity to pick men that fit their mood
and their pace for that night, or for life. They benefited
from social interaction, allowing themselves to grow
and experience; all the while being completely unaware
of this glorious side effect that those in rural areas
could never have. The silver platter is laid out for
them every night and this buffet is rich with choices.
Some of us are blessed
with opportunity and choices. From choices come
experiences. From experiences come understanding
and self awareness. From self awareness, comes confidence,
from confidence, the man is defined — knowing
who he is, what drives him, and what he desires.
I'm not sure how I survived my childhood.
I attempted suicide at the discovery I was gay and
there was no turning away from it. My father dropped
dead in front of me when I was 14, gasping for life
as his heart failed him. My brother was in the Marines,
I wasn't close with my sister then, and mother was
then, as is now, a devoted catholic. I had no connection
with anyone to guide me through my own evolution or
potential destruction.
 In retrospect, I suppose I have to
retract what I said about not knowing how I survived.
I survived because I refused to embrace despair. It's
easy to embrace despair. You will always have a reason
to be right about doing so. There's always a justifiable
reason to be manic, miserable, or even suicidal. You
would be right to be saddened by your living situation,
the compromises, the inability to explore your world,
the lack of options and opportunity that calls you,
but you can't reach it. I'm not mocking that point
at all. I mean it sincerely. The point here is that
despair is easy and survival is hard. Ultimately,
your salvation (in whatever form you envision that
to be) comes from doing hard work.
I hope you're reading this because
something clicked with you. You needed to hear something
that gave you comfort. Something that says you're
not alone and your situation is not unique. Sure,
it's unique to you because you're struggling with
your own unique demons which shape themselves in unique
ways to impact your unique existence. They may appear
to be special demons, grown from hell to strike you
alone, catering to every aspect of your life in your
corner of the world, giving you the sense you're a
solitary target. But having seen the demons, I can
say as a man of confidence, those demons can be slayed,
and in the end, they are all just the same demons
for everyone.
I offer Kink 101
as my own contribution to gay men who are struggling
with their identity, trying to find a place in the
world, hoping to be blessed with opportunity and
choices. The only way that anything I have to say
will have any impact or benefit to you is if you
can accept one detail: it won't be easy. Now, just
because something isn't easy doesn't mean you're
going to be miserable in your growth. “Hard” or “easy” has
nothing to do with misery. Winning a motorcycle race
is hard, but it's damned exciting and rewarding. And
with each victory comes understanding and self awareness.
From self awareness, comes confidence, from confidence,
the man is defined — making him a champion.
Am I making my point?
What I hope to offer here is some personal
perspective that I feel is common to all gay men.
Some insight that gets you thinking about who you
are, what you want, and how to come up with a game
plan that helps you win the race. You do not exist
to be in despair. You are a survivor. How do I know
this? Because you're reading this right now. If you
weren't receptive to change or adaptation, you wouldn't
be in this moment with me now.
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