It’s 1am. I’m smoking a cig and drinking tomato juice. I have insomnia again. No doubt it’s because there’s a million things running through my mind, all of them moving so fast, I can hardly define any of them. Most of them are all a blur, but this thought… It’s always the same thought…
What happens when you build something that draws hundreds of thousands of people to you, only to have them define you by the construct you present them? How do you introduce yourself, sharing your art and your passion, and yet struggle to be clear that it’s a persona, not a biography? How do you define your art, then go out and define yourself?
“Kid, what a beautiful red brick building you’ve created! I’ll bet you love red brick and have it all over your house!”
“Why would you think that?”
How does this one red brick building tell you anything about me? What about my personal or romantic desires? My fascination with science and space? Does this one red brick building tell you that after an 11 hour work day, I’m so tired and fed up with the world, I just want someone to hold? Someone to inspire and someone to inspire me? Does this one red brick building tell you I have personal fears and insecurities, too? Does it tell you how shitty I feel about putting on a few extra pounds earlier this year or how great I feel when I’m suited up and riding my motorcycle? What about my passion for storm and tornado chasing? Does the red brick building tell you how much I miss waking up with my boy laying next to me on a Saturday morning, just feeling the warmth of him next to me? What about the fact I have my shit together? With all the drugs and drama queens in this gay culture, wouldn’t it be cool to be with someone clean and responsible? Does the red brick building tell you about my fears in a new relationship? Does it tell you about my 7 years with an ex-alcoholic boyfriend and the violence that ensued everytime we went out? Does it tell you that the relationship impacted me so hard, that I still get knots in my gut everytime I go out, anticipating violence, even though he’s been out of my life for 5 years? Do you ever wonder why you never see me nude on the website? It’s because I know what I DO look like and what I DON’T look like. I’m just a guy next door. Nothing special. I’m not buff. I’m not tatt’ed out. Would I love to be ripped? Hell yeah! Would I show it if I had it? Hell yeah. But you know what ‚Äî I’m only human. What do you think I’m made of?
So, you look at my red brick building and make decisions about me. How can I possibly be me when the prejudice is pervasive? Yes, I am judged by this site. I am judged 15,000+ times a month. I haven’t dated a guy in years. How many guys cruise my site, beat off, and contemplate the possibilities with me – but never move past the notion. Do I put my pants on any differently then anyone else? What message says “go away”? Am I so unique, so different, so frightening? Or is all that bullshit I’ve created to justify my frustrations? Is it that hard to break the ice? What’s the worst that could happen? I’ll tell you: nothing. The worst that could happen is nothing ‚Äî meaning we just don’t click. Does “not clicking” mean anyone is evil? Does it mean you or I are any less a deserving individual? No.
Do you think if I meet a guy, that my world equates sexually exactly to my site? Ergo: Hey dude, I’m gonna tie you up, beat you up, make you squirm in pain, and suffocate you till you pass out? Do you really believe my life is as intense as the art? You would fucking laugh if you knew the truth. Do I love bondage, yes. Do I love breath control, double yes. Do I love my plastic and leather gear? Quadruple yes. But why the fuck do these interests scare you? What message in your mind says you know enough about me to be scared? Do you think an encounter with me means diving in full throttle to the ultimate extreme and forgetting what you want or forgetting rational safety? What about those of you who see one pic of me and send dick shots wanting to fuck me senseless? Where’s your head at? Do you know me? Have you read my profile? Do you care? If you don’t, why should I?
I’ve been asked repeatedly about celebrities and I’m not sure why. I have never said who I find interesting and I never will. Am I “star struck”? Yeah, sort of, but not nearly in the way you can imagine. I have private thoughts because I clearly recognize the battle of being in the public eye, having desires, and little (if any) opportunity to act on them. It’s for that reason alone my thoughts sometimes turn that direction. It’s a matter of discretion and desire from my unique perspective as a schmuck who built a red brick building all too fucking well. I can honestly see myself in a discreet scenario with a celeb long before you guys who live next door because you won’t make eye contact to say hello.
I hate to equate myself to the level of a celeb, but it seems the past couple years that my red brick building (KidRacer-X.com) has really taken flight. With it’s growth and your support, it keeps getting bigger, along with my image. Please understand, I’m not saying this with any ego attached. I hate to say it, but it’s a sick fact – I am a gay celebrity (of sorts). It’s frustrating. Everything from my friends now is about how to improve the site, new photo concepts, how their friends saw it and loved it, things I should be doing to improve performance, etc.. The enthusiasm and support is great and needed, but it’s also a dagger.
I’m honored, humbled, and bothered. I’m not a player in the scene and I hardly hold a candle to some of the guys I know and respect in the gay porn scene. I wonder what some of the porn stars think about me? Do they know that my level of play is far below theirs? Do they know I feel like a third wheel in this aggressive sub-culture? Do they know that I envy their confidence, physique, and prowess? Do my friends know this when they see me out there in the scene? My friends don’t call me by name anymore. It’s “Kid”, “KRX”, or “KidRacer-X”. (Okay, that part’s kinda cool, but the rest?) They banter about “you’re a celeb” and it makes my skin crawl. It never used to be this way. “You’re an Alpha Male, now, stud”, they say. They’re seeing me more as KidRacer-X and less of anything else. Who am I? Isn’t there more to talk about? I remember hearing a recent story about a famous athlete. He was asked about why he likes to scuba dive so much. He answered: “Because the fish don’t know who I am.”
I understand this.
All I’ve done is take our collective fantasies and make them more artful, more interesting, and more exciting. And the better I get at it, the more recognition I receive. The more recognition I receive, the higher I’m placed on a pedestal I never asked to be on, nor deserve to be. I’ve created a celebrity status by just being honest in my work and my art. And my honesty has distanced me. I’ve intimidated the guys I want to get close to. And the guys who want to know me are too afraid to step up. Can I blame them? Yes.
I think you’re hot, you think I’m hot – so get your mind past the photo with blood on my face, acknowledge it’s just fucking art, and let’s have a meaningful walk together. Curious about me, but intimidated, fucking ask! At what point did I ever say I’m not interested? If I wasn’t interested in meeting people, I wouldn’t have invested so much of my life and my interests on what is now (and honestly unintentionally) one of the most popular gay fetish sites on the net. It’s my outlet, my passion, and just a reflection of one small aspect of my life, and YOUR life, too! Have I defined you in any way?
For all the things that are wrong with the world, I can’t imagine anyone perceiving me as dangerous. I’m not into casual oral or anal scenes. So ‚Äî sex isn’t dangerous. I’m a gear freak. I love wearing it and I love shooting my load inside it. And leather, plastic, or bondage doesn’t mean pain. Whoever said I was into pain? As for breath control, well, that’s my thing, but why should you freak out over that? Did I say it was necessary? Are we all shopping for guys like we’re shopping for cars? If it doesn’t have all the features you want, forget it? How many opportunities are being missed in this world because of this narrow minded searching?
Perhaps kink is new to you, but you know you want to try it. Maybe you’ve never worn plastic, but it sounds hot and worth trying. Why wouldn’t you just convey this so we can find an awesome middle ground and both get off. How much fun is a date if the other guy isn’t having fun? I can go as fast or slow, as intense or cautious as anyone would like and still have a blast. Don’t you shift your energies around different people and different situations? Maybe you’re not into the kink, but it turns you on that I’m into it. Do you hear me complaining about a guy who gets off on me getting off about my gear fetish? In fact, everytime I go out in full leather and plastic, I find myself attracted to the guy in jeans, tee, and baseball cap. What the fuck is that?
The gay culture complains about flakes, liars, and bums. But before you complain, how honest have you been? How many times has your dick said “yes”, but your head said “no”. How many times have you seen a hot profile on a guy, he gave you his number, but you never called. Why? I’ll tell you, because you’re scared. Fuck it guys, let’s be honest. We’re all scared. Including KidRacer-X. Strange new encounters that revolve around the most intimate aspects of our lives that strip us down to our most vulnerable state is a lot to get straight in your head. Add into the mix the high rate of AIDS and other STD’s and you feel fucked before you even get started. So how hard is it to initiate something with someone, talk about your interests, your skill level, your desires, your concerns, your “do’s” and your “don’ts”. Why can’t people open up? I’ve been the most honest guy out there with this site and look what its done. By just being “the Kid”, they’ve come to my site by the thousands. And now, that honesty that drew them in, keeps them away.
I’m heading to IML (International Mr. Leather) in Chicago in just a few weeks. I’m equally curious and nervous at the same time. It’s been a couple years for me and I know a lot has happened with KidRacer-X that’s established itself since then. I’ll be curious to see what the perception is when I get there. Is there a perception? Maybe I’m just a legend in my own. Maybe I’m not meeting guys because karma is paying me back for all the bound jocks in high school. I wish. At least then, I would have the memory. I wonder what the paying members on my site think. Are they members for the photos? Or are they also members because they believe in something more I’m trying to create?
I wonder what you really see here. Are you just horny? Are you a thinker? Are you looking for more? Are you hoping for more? What void does this site serve in your life? Do you define me by what you see here or can you accept that this is not all of me? Or maybe you don’t give a fuck either way.
I’m telling you now‚ I’m getting tired of constructing better buildings.
I think I’ll go scuba diving now.
POST NOTE UPDATE 2014: This post still has the same meaning as it did then. I need to come back to this add a few notes.