“Oo ah oo ah oo oo, Kitty
Tell us about the boy
From New York City…”
Today is Monday. Friday, the new website went online with some glitches. By Saturday, Verizon was still fucked up with internet access so repairs and touch ups to the website couldn’t be completed. But of course, this type of internet problem has never happened before, and if it was ever going to happen, it had to be the weekend I posted my new release.
I’ve been tired, beat, angry, worked to the bone, lonely, stressed, and frustrated. By Saturday night, I was looking to escape the madness I’ve been in for three months. Most of the major touchups on the website were done and I had to get out of my pad for a while. So, I geared up and cruised out to the Barracks Bar in Palm Springs.
I wasn’t out to “be” KidRacer-X. I just wanted an escape and get some serious drinking. I called a friend out there at the last minute and said I’d be in the area if he wanted to share a drink and catch up at the bar.
It was leather weekend in Palm Springs and I had missed most of the excitement due to website complications. Nothing goes the way you plan it. Oh well. At least I got out for a while. I spent a lot of time catching up with my friend and even saw two other friends I haven’t seen in ages. It was nice to see familiar faces and catch up.
The problem started well into the evening when I looked over and saw “him.”
I’ll call him “New York”, which will be explained in a bit. I’ve been around, done the scene somewhat, and gone to the bars and events. It’s always an interesting experience. You see a lot of faces and personalities when you’re out there. Some are memorable, some you want to forget. Still, others make you wanna cut out your eyeballs or visit a decontamination shelter at a nuclear ground site.
But, New York changed my world forever.
Forever, New York.
I don’t really see how over describing New York matters since what I saw in him and what is forever in my mind can’t possibly be translated into words. You won’t see what I see. You won’t feel what I feel. What attracts me is not the same for you. You won’t ever be able to grasp what’s in my heart and mind. Yeah, he was in leather and it fit him well. But, I was so captivated by his presence, I don’t think I remember much of the gear he was wearing. His gear had to be custom because it fit his physique flawlessly. It looked like top of the line Mr.S Gear. Leather pants (black and grey if I remember) and a tight fitting short sleeve police style leather shirt and black leather gloves. I don’t even remember if it was a cop look or just a hot look. He had a lean Justin Timberlake quality with a little more edge and maturity to him. He had really short hair (which I love) and maybe a day or two of beard growth with a face that broke my heart. Rugged and clean. His eyes and his smile destroyed me.
I was conversing with my friend for quite a while and pointed out New York to him. As I continued to watch, it appeared New York was with several friends who were equally dressed as sharp in premium gear. I’m sorry, “friends,” but I’m stuck on New York. I swear there were a few moments between us, but I can’t be sure of anything; especially since I couldn’t bring myself to break the ice when the opportunity to do so was perfect. I fucked up.
There are always certain things that turn each of us on and awaken our senses. If we all wrote a list, it could be really long. In those couple hours in the bar, I watched him from a distance and was absorbed in everything. His posture, mannerisms, movements, smile, look, aura, energy, and presence. I swear to all that’s holy, I have never, I mean NEVER, been so swept off my feet.
As the time passed, me and my friend happened to be standing by the patio bar when New York came over to get a drink. I could have reached out and touched him. As he was waiting for his drink, my friend, who was positioned closer to New York, said hello to him. Between the noise of the music and people talking, I didn’t hear much of anything, except his tone. Masculine and composed. I only overheard enough to hear him say he was from New York and flying back tomorrow (Sunday). My friend poked me, egging me to break the ice and say something to New York, but I was in shock and awe. At a complete loss for words, I couldn’t say a damned thing. I fucked up. He got his drink and went back to his friends.
At this point, being this close to him, I was mesmerized. His physical size was perfect. I mean, I’m not overly concerned about taller guys, bigger guys, smaller guys, and that sort of thing. That’s not a big deal for me. But, that said, every one of us has an ideal “fit” you envision. Someone of the right size and build to hold, kiss, cuddle, spoon, make love to, get kinky with, and hold hands with. It’s a literal “fit” in every sense of the word. He had it for me. How can this be? My entire life has been built up to this very moment. It happens only once in a lifetime. You don’t get second chances. Every fiber in my being was saying “This is it, Cody! You have to do it now. Go, go, go!” But, I couldn’t…
I couldn’t imagine for a moment saying “hello.” I was stupefied. How do you say hello in a bar? How do you say I really want to know you? How do you say that you’re looking for something of more meaning in a bar? How do you say that without sounding like a freak? How do you sound intelligent and heartfelt in a bar? How do you start something so that it begins with something solid and not a weekend fling? What do you say to someone like that? What do you do when your heart and mind literally tell you “he’s the one and you better get him now”?
I was devastated because I was so engaged in him, I didn’t want any possible chance of a relationship to get dumbed down to a stupid night of sex or bar chatter. Sex was the last thing on my mind when I saw him. I knew it was love when part of me stepped up and asked a thousand internal questions. How could I make him happy? What does he want out of life? How can I support him in everything he does? What can I bring to him? How can I ease his mind and make his troubles fade? How can I comfort him, make him feel loved by someone caring and loyal. How can instill in him that I will be his rock, his confidant, his source of strength? I could see myself anxiously waiting for him to come home every night. Guys, I shit-you-not when I say nobody has ever done this to me. Nobody. Ever!
I literally fell in love. I know what those words mean. I know what I’m saying when I write that and I know how it sounds. How can I put into words what’s racing through my mind or how my heart beats every time I see him in my mind. I’m well aware it’s not real love. How can it be? But, I can’t explain it to you ?¢‚Ç¨‚Äù it is. It’s a very “Sleepless in Seattle” thing where I know I’m loving someone I haven’t met. I’m that confident. I’m not talking with my dick here. Would I love to play with him? Fuck yes ?¢‚Ç¨‚Äù BUT not unless there’s a chance of something more. I just couldn’t do a casual scene. I couldn’t take it. He melted my heart and stole my spirit. I felt it. It was real. It was as real then as it is today. I can see him so clearly in my mind and he has me. And for that reason, I won’t put myself through something cheap when I sense something more to be gained.
When I look into someone’s eyes, I see a lot. I can tell if there’s something deeper going on in their head, whether they have more than one gear turning, or whether they live their lives on the surface. There was this undertone in his gaze that told me he was a thinker. Something that told me he’s got his act together. He’s smart, grounded, and well-balanced. I sensed there was more under those outer layers worth exploring. Given the right time and circumstance, he would share his world with the right man. I want to be that man.
Goddamn it, New York, why didn’t you say something, too? Do you have a boyfriend? Am I just not your type? Was there ever a chance or am I a fool? Well, I am a fool, obviously.
I was a wreck with myself. I still am. Where’s my confidence? Why couldn’t he be interested? Maybe he’s waiting on me to make a move? We’re all human after-all, right? Could I have made the move? Yeah, but I fucked up. I was too terrified. The dream of everything I held onto in faith and hope, balancing KidRacer-X with self respect and keeping myself as much as possible for that “someone”, all became real. And, I was in total disbelief.
Could he have a boyfriend or be a total asshole? Maybe. That would make things easier to know. But the fact is, I don’t know. And because I don’t know, my head and heart are running in circles. It’s been three days and he’s been on my mind constantly. I’ll wager he’s got someone. I’ll wager I’m wasting my time, my dreams, my intentions, and my sincerity with every word I put here. As much as I tried to be respectful to my friends and share the time with them, I was elsewhere that night. I was in New York. I was so far away, I’m not sure what my friends think of me right now. At the risk of sounding like an idiot, for the first time in my life, in every real sense of the phrase, it was love at first sight. I never believed it was possible, but I swear to God, it is. It can happen. It did happen. It happened to me.
And as the quickly as the night moved on, it came to an end. In a strange twist, I left to use the bathroom and returned to find my friends and New York gone. Just like that. The evening closed with a thunderous silence. Alone. In love. Confused.
As I said at the start of this, it’s Monday now. He’s back in New York doing his job and I’m here doing mine, planning out the 2008 motorcycle racing season. I’ve been in a fog for three days. I’m not sure why I had to write all this, but I did. I couldn’t ease my mind without doing something with that pent up energy. I can’t tell my friends about it. I won’t because I don’t want to verbalize it. I don’t want idle conversation or commentary that dumbs down the significance and powerful emotions I’m struggling with. I can hear it now… “So, tell me all about him!” Fuck off. That night was beyond your comprehension. Trying to tell anyone what New York did to me is like trying to explain quantum physics to a fourth grader. So here I am, alone, in love, and praying for a miracle. As I look at the situation, there’s really only three options to salvation…
Someone knows who I’m talking about and will somehow connect me with New York so I can get some answers; a “yes”, a “fuck off”, a “he’s got a boyfriend” or anything that will help me get my head right about this. Not interested? I’ll be disappointed for sure, but unlike some others in my life, I know when to walk away when I’m not wanted. I just need to know. The photo on this page shows me and the race suit I was wearing that night at the bar. Hopefully, someone will remember and help bridge the gap here. But I’m not lucky in cards or love, yet!
I go to leather events around the country and see if I can find him. That said though, I think the next one is IML in Chicago next May. FUCK! That’s May! I can’t wait that long. Since he came out from New York and wore premium leather, I know he’ll travel for the scene. He’s totally into it. There’s a good chance he’ll be at IML.
I will forget about him in time.
But that’s impossible.
My whole life changed the moment I saw New York.
You are the one.
I should have done something.
I really fucked up.